Black Boot Bashing

Following the Moroccan Atlas Mountain debacle in February 2018, Charlotte and I beat a retreat back to England.

Today, two years later, I pulled my dusty boots off the shelf and gave them a thorough inspection as, with restrictions imminently being lifted, our home in France might finally be accessible to us and I will have need of said boots during any inspection of the property.

Black Boots, whether they be strictly regulation footwear or the more fashionable Doctor Martin’s, opinions vary on maintenance. Some might require them to be so highly cared for, you can see the reflection of the whites of your Sergeant Major’s eyes, or others might go for the more rustic, shabby appearance, that wouldn’t be seen within an imperial mile of the Parade Square.

Whichever your penchant, Black Boot Bashing has been a right of passage for many and so, for you today, I give you this little offering…

Shitty Footwear

They said I shouldn’t shine D.M.’s but I think that that all depends

On what state the boots are in. To clean, or not, which is the sin?

The sun shines brightly on the field, what crappy blessings will it yield?

Unwary footfall on the turd, from field to foot, it has transferred!


So now the choice is mine, I think, if clean them not, then I will stink,

And all will know where I have been, the luscious verdure was not green,

But brown, and in it, I have trod, it’s messed my boots with stinky sod

And while I scrape with grass and stick, the stench, it makes me feel quite sick.


For pleasant, not, is how they smell, the shit has made them look like hell,

So as I walk with temper frayed, still feeling boots are heavy weighed,

I wipe on kerb and path and brick and with a stick, I try to flick

My boots, now turned from black to brown, as I march back to yonder town.


I’m left in quandary what to do, to polish off the nasty poo,

Or leave them all in natural state, should I give in to their dictate?

Leaving my D.M.’s well alone, forever standing, down-wind, blown,

Lest they should know where I have been? I can’t do that, I have to clean!

Carry on Regardless!


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